Jobs, Marriage, and Life in General

I'm feeling introspective today. It makes me want to blog. I'm not sure what that's about.

Life is so unpredictable. A year ago I was working toward my master's degree in journalism and spending the vast majority of my nights alone watching episodes of Lost, Friends, and Veronica Mars in my little shoe-box apartment. As the common phrase goes, I was as single as a dollar bill. I never went on dates, rarely even hung out with the few friends I had, and occasionally attended church activities just to stand there awkwardly for a half hour before deciding to retreat to my shoe box for some Ben & Jerry's and more T.V. If you had told me then that I would be married in a year, I'd never have believed you. All the evidence suggested it was impossible. And if you'd then told me I would also be unemployed for 6+ months, I'd have been even more incredulous. All the evidence suggested that this, too, was impossible. After all, I was on the track to finally beginning my career. I was getting a master's degree; I was doing internships and building a portfolio and gaining valuable work experience. So what happened? I don't understand.

All I know is that a year ago I had one major goal: to finish graduate school and get a job doing something I love. I had decided that marriage wasn't going to happen for awhile, and I came to terms with that. Having a good job would be enough at first. But then I met Daniel, and everything changed. I got married! I can't tell you how unexpected that was. I figured it was a bonus, that now I was going to get the personal success and the professional success all at once. But nothing turns out the way I plan, and nothing can be easy. True, I achieved the personal success, but in the process I've failed professionally. All the things I have worked toward--essentially for my entire life--have brought me none of things I was promised:

"Education is the key to success in life."
"You need an advanced degree if you want a leg up on the job competition."
"Having a master's degree will make you more employable."
"You'll earn more money if you go to graduate school."

Lies. All of it lies.

I want to believe in the importance of education for education's sake, but it's hard when I sit at home all day and watch the value of my hard work decrease while my student debt increases. Deep down I know that I will always be glad I got an advanced degree, but I am also aware that I did it with the expectation of getting a job. When I applied to grad school, I had all these notions of working as a writer or an editor for a food or travel magazine, or maybe working as a critic of some sort. I had a plan for my life, and it involved both education and a good job. It never occurred to me that the former might not lead to the latter. Both were equally important to me and completely interdependent in my mind. The possibility of failure wasn't even on my radar. It's like I viewed the whole situation as a foolproof equation: education + relevant experience = guaranteed employment. But that's not how it works. 

When I was single, I used to see people in happy, long-term relationships and wonder how they could ever have anything to complain about. I would think to myself, "If I had someone, I would be happy no matter what. As long as I loved him and he loved me, I could get through any difficulty or trial. Nothing else would matter but us." Oh, the naivety. I wish that were true, but unfortunately other things do matter. As much as it pains me to say it, the Beatles were wrong; love is not all you need. You need employment and purpose and direction and hope. You need to feel like the efforts you make produce some sort of result. But for me, they just haven't. I went to school for 19 years, all the while expecting that one day that schooling would bring me a good job, but I have nothing tangible to show for my years of effort. Now I spend nearly every day searching and applying for jobs, only to hear rejections if I hear anything at all. Always the labor but never the fruits thereof. 

Now I lie. Shame on me.

When I'm truly honest with myself and look at my life from a higher vantage point--rather than only viewing it from the depths of my self-pity and despair--I realize I do have fruits. No, I don't have a job yet, but I do have a wonderful, supportive family that includes a husband I wouldn't trade for anything. What job could mean more than that? True, my unemployment makes our life together more difficult, more stressful, and more uncertain than it would be if I worked a 9 to 5 somewhere, but we're together. Come Hell or high water, I know that will never change. Maybe love isn't all I need, but it is certainly the most important need I have. And though other things do matter, my relationship with Daniel matters most. So I guess what I've realized is that I'm actually doing fine. And maybe now that I've written all of the other crap down, I'll remember that.


In short, I've decided to be happy with my life for what it is right now. My professional life can bite me.