Confession: I'm afraid.
I wish I could say that my fear is limited to shark attacks, destructive natural disasters, and the possibility of biological warfare, but I can't. The truth is that most of my fears are psychological--the kind that can cripple a person if left unchecked.
I'm afraid of taking chances. I'm afraid of wasting time. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of letting people down. I'm afraid of making decisions. I'm afraid of missing opportunities. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of loss. I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid of not changing. I'm afraid of beginnings. I'm afraid of endings.
Perhaps it's ironic that I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid, but I think that's a good thing. Fear is, after all, a natural human response. And honestly, I think it's a healthy one. As John Milton said, "Where no hope is left, is left no fear." To not fear is to not care. And I do; I really care. I just can't help it.
Sometimes I wish I were different, like those people who so expertly compartmentalize their feelings. They feel the pain less deeply, and they bounce back from it so much quicker. But I'm not one of those people, and--if I'm being truly honest with myself--I'm actually glad. Sure, such people probably have it easier when times get tough, but I've got to believe they can never have it as good either. To know pain, to feel it in your soul, is the only way to truly know happiness when it comes along.
Chapter 2 of Second Nephi in the Book of Mormon (yes, I'm quoting scripture... deal with it) explains that there must be opposition in all things. Without sin there is no righteousness, and without misery there is no joy. I find it incredibly meaningful that the same chapter discusses another important pair of opposite entities--things to act and things to be acted upon. Coincidence? I think not.
See, I firmly believe that when we are beings of action, we are happy. Conversely, when we allow ourselves to be acted upon by other people or outside influences, we are unhappy. We have the choice to act or be acted upon, and the decision we make determines much of our happiness.
Of course, it goes without saying that we cannot control the world around us, and bad things will happen to us during our lives. Sometimes our fears will be realized, and we will have to choose how we respond. If we choose to be beings who act, we will face life head-on and accept the good and bad as they come. Sure, life will be harder, but it will also be that much better. If, on the other hand, we choose to be beings who are acted upon, we will close ourselves off to all the things that make life what it is. We will allow fear to control our lives, and we'll never really know joy.
One of my favorite songs is Incubus's "Drive." It goes like this:
"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass-appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel"
So there you have it. Fear is normal. In fact, it's a necessary evil, an indication that your heart is still beating and that life still holds meaning for you. But, as the universal "They" say, all things in moderation. Once fear becomes the driving force in our lives, we're no longer living; we're no longer acting. Instead, we're being acted upon. And who wants that?
That's why, as the song goes, "Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes."
Hey Michelle! I saw the link to your blog from my Facebook feed. I completely empathize with how you feel. I think it can be hard to not let fear enter our lives, especially now, when there isn't a great deal of certainty around us. Some of us need that sense of security more than others, and when it isn't there, it's a little scary.
ReplyDeleteI got back from my mission a year ago and didn't necessarily think I would be where I am today. I'm trying to learn to go with the flow---interesting concept--why do some of us have to learn how to do that?? As much as I express to others that I am ready to take life by the reins, there is always part of me that is scared by that. I've just recently decided to let it go. That part of me will keep me safe, but the consequence is not "acting" upon opportunities, like you said.
By the way, I love that song by Incubus! I remember first hearing it in middle school and adopting it as a theme song to take each new day as another opportunity to live, love, and breathe in life. Now, I'm living and loving (my friends and family), but sometimes I have to remember to breathe!!
I love this! One of my fav quotes goes something like this "bravery is not lack of fear, merely acting in the face of fear " .... or something there abouts. I probably butchered it, but you get the point.
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